photo by Ben Hillyer

Alexander Cole looks up at his his new dad Jason Cole as his new sister Ashleigh reaches over to pick him up.

Hands to hold: Family adopts baby from Ethiopia

By Ben Hillyer (Contact) | The Natchez Democrat

Published Sunday, July 5, 2009

In Alexander Cole’s world hands enter from every direction.

Big hands drop down to fill his empty stomach, change his diaper, console his crying. Little hands dart in to tickle, poke and play.

Ten hands in all keep the 1-year-old’s days busy.

Three weeks ago the only hands Alexander had were his own.

Memories of that time are a world away as he lay in the hands of his new adoptive family — Jason and Stacy Cole and their three children Ashleigh, Allyson and Andrew.

After three years of prayer and paperwork, Jason, the associate pastor of Parkway Baptist Church, and Stacy, a Vidalia Upper Elementary teacher, have the last set of hands needed to make their family circle complete.

In Ethiopia Alexander was Demelash Wadajo. He lived in Addis Ababa — a city of nearly 3 million people. He had a small crib in a small room with 16 other children. In all, at the transition home, Demelash lived with more than 80 other orphans.

Yet the Coles believe that Demelash lived alone, without the most basic necessity of life — human touch.

Demelash was born in a remote area of southwest Ethiopia — an area that has seen electricity for only 13 years. His mother died from complications of childbirth. His father died soon after from unknown circumstances.

Not able to care for the child, Alexander’s only remaining relative, his uncle, took the baby on a two-day bus ride to relinquish him to the orphanage.

Except for the occasional feeding and diaper change at the orphanage, Demelash received little love — little human contact it seems.

“I think the nannies were strictly there to feed and change diapers,” Jason said. “With so many babies, there were not enough to provide that human touch.”

In a building filled with children and few staff, the orphans learned to survive on their own. Crying did no good when there was no one to hear their cries. So babies learned to soothe themselves by rocking to sleep or patting their chests.

“At first I thought it was sweet that he would just sit and pat — just like a little love pat,” Stacy said. “Then it wasn’t sweet anymore.”

The patting would be just one of many revelations the Coles would discover about their new son.

“I was shocked to see how developmentally delayed he was,” Jason said recalling those first moments outside the Ethiopian transition home.

Typical of a malnourished child, Demelash’s belly was swollen. The skin hung from his limbs. Bald spots — a sign of chicken pox or malnourishment — covered his head.

“He never really had a bath,” Jason said. “It took three days to clean all of the mud out of his ears.”

“All of the Q-tips we used would come out black with dirt,” Stacy said.

On top of that Demelash showed a great reluctance to hug and reach out. When the Coles went to pick up their new son, Alexander held his hands straight out to avoid as much physical contact as possible.

“When we tickled him at first he would scream,” Stacy said.

Realizing there would be more work than they anticipated, the Coles began their 21-hour trip back to America.

Now after three weeks of living in the busy world of the Cole family, his name is not the only thing that has changed in Alexander’s life.

A quiet child who barely made a sound in Ethiopia, Alexander now babbles, giggles and smiles. He laughs with his new brother and sisters.

In his second week at home, he gained nearly a pound and now holds his head up and pulls himself up without help.

“He is just blossoming,” Stacy said. “He wakes up happy and goes to bed happy. When he’s tired he is happy.

“Now he can’t wait to be tickled,” she said.

The laughter and smiles comes as a great relief and, in many respects, Ethiopia seems a lifetime away.

Yet, some medical issues still linger. A case of double pneumonia has recurred in recent days. An abcess in his arm has developed, possibly from vaccinations he received in Ethiopia.

Worries and all, there was no doubt in Jason and Stacy’s mind about Alexander’s adoption.

“I never went to Ethiopa thinking I was getting a perfect child,” Stacy said.

Jason said that that first meeting illustrated God’s love for his own children.

“This was a reminder that when God adopts us into his family, we too are not perfect. We are diseased and delayed,” Jason said. “Despite all of that, he brings us into his family.”

“This is what we want to do for Alexander.”

ADOPTION A PERSONAL JOURNEY

For Jason Cole, being adopted isn’t anything special. It is just a fact of his life and not much more.

“Some adopted people feel lost in the world,” Jason said. “To me it’s like having brown hair — I am adopted.”

Until 2006, Jason never considered adopting a child of his own. Sure, he had heard all of the stories of children who are in need of families. He had seen the statistics.

Those children were for other people, not him. After all, Jason was happily married with three children of his own.

“I have a great family. My life is comfortable,” Jason said. “That’s a great thing for other people, not me.”

“Besides, unless God gives me a burning bush, I’m not going to seek it out on my own,” referring to the story of Moses’ call from God.

Jason’s burning bush came in the form of a youth camp in 2006. Smoldering at first, Jason started hearing God’s call in the camp’s message, “How are you making a difference in the lives of people who fall outside the margins?”

The message alone got Jason thinking. As the week wore on and as he learned more about the 143 million orphans in the world, God’s message was undeniable. The bush was in full blaze as Jason called his family from the bus traveling home to tell them his news.

Ethiopia was not the Cole family’s first choice for adoption. Flipping through brochures and information about foreign adoptions, the Coles quickly eliminated countries that didn’t meet their two requirements. First, English had to be a spoken language of the country. Second the country had to allow adoptions of boys.

“Andrew said there were already too many women in the house,” Cole said.

Other considerations like the average cost of adoption and the expected processing time narrowed the list down to three countries — Nepal, Vietnam and El Salvador.

Ethiopia wasn’t on the list.

“When we saw the brochures for Ethiopia, we laughed and kept going on,” Jason said. “We were making decisions out of comfort and convenience, rather than letting God lead us through the process.”

They selected El Salvador as their first choice.

“We had problems from day one,” Stacy said.

What they had hoped would be a quick process, soon bogged down in problems. Several months and thousands of dollars later, the adoption process had progressed no farther than it had started. In frustration, Jason and Stacy began questioning the process.

“We asked ourselves if we should be adopting at all,” Jason said. “What were we not doing right?”

Through constant prayer, the Coles knew they were meant to adopt.

“We knew, we just didn’t know where to go,” Jason said.

And that is when Ethiopia presented itself as the only option.

Although they would have to start over with the piles of paperwork and lose all of the money they invested in El Salvador, the remaining obstacle for the Coles was the issue of race.

After all, they were a white family living in the Deep South. Why in the world would they adopt a black child from Ethiopia?

“In the South, you are still dealing with baggage,” Jason said. “Race wasn’t a big deal to us, but it’s still a big deal.”

Even the thought made the Coles concerned.

“Bringing in a child that’s not like you, it really exposes you,” Jason said. “It moves you out of your comfort zones. It makes you struggle.”

Yet, through faith in God’s call, the Coles decided adopting from Ethiopia was the right thing to do.

Still, the adoption process wasn’t easy. It took 17 months of paperwork, phone calls, e-mail and, most of all, waiting on other people, until the Coles got the phone call on May 20. On that day the Ethiopian courts cleared the way for Alexander’s adoption.

“It has been a roller coaster of very few highs and a lot of lows,” Jason said. “But it ended on a high.”

The Coles adopted a child from Ethiopia instead of adopting one of the many children in need of homes in the United States because of the statistics.

“There are 4.3 million orphans in Ethiopia,” Jason said. “One out of every 10 Ethiopian children dies by its first birthday. One in six dies by the age of 5.”

“There are not kids dying here of diarrhea. There are not kids in the U.S. starving to death,” Jason said.

“We really believe that had his uncle not put him up for adoption, Alexander would have been one of these statistics,” Jason said.