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What about men who are battered?
Published Monday, August 18, 2008
What about men who are battered? Certainly some men are physically abused by partners, especially in gay relationships, and some are battered by women. The suffering of abused men should not be ignored simply because their numbers are relatively small. All domestic violence is characterized by secrecy. Because it takes place in the home, it is difficult to study through the usual research methods — especially since it is a source of shame and denial for the people involved. For this reason, perhaps abuse against men is even more effectively hidden than violence against women.
Some experts argue that society tolerates women’s violence against men to a greater degree, so such violence is underreported and often ignored or inaccurately justified as self-defense. Others have indicated that an increasing number of men are experiencing verbal or physical abuse from their mates. Yet other, equally respected researchers insist that nearly all domestic violence is committed by men.
Many men are brutally victimized by violent women. They report, with no small degree of embarrassment, that they had been hit, kicked, slapped, punched, threatened with guns, or had their homes and property viciously destroyed by their wives or girlfriends. Some of the men did not hesitate to characterize such behavior as domestic violence, others simply reported these incidents factually as people who had been through a bad marriage or hostile divorce.
The limited amount of psychological research that has been conducted shows that, while psychological traits of battered men and battered women are similar, there are key differences that make the nature and severity of the abuse different for men. Male victims suffer fewer physical injuries from abuse, at least in heterosexual relationships, simply because most women can’t hit as hard as men. Also, it appears that men are less likely to stay in abusive relationships for a long period. This is partially due to social and cultural factors, such as boys being raised to be self-reliant, the primary child-rearing responsibilities being placed on women, and the greater financial resources generally available to men.
However, male victims may react in a different manner than do many female victims of partner abuse. Abused men are ashamed and embarrassed to admit that they are victims and to seek help, especially from friends or family members to whom they do not wish to appear weak or incapable of handling their own problems. Men feel that they should be problem-solvers. They are frustrated by their inability to help themselves and afraid to do anything to stop their attackers for fear of reprisal. He may put up with it for awhile, then it often escalates into a mutually violent relationship, especially if they both have substance abuse problems.
At SMMHC’s Alcohol & Drug Office we have solutions for problems with substance abuse and anger. For more information contact: Carolene Britt, LAC, CADC, 200 S.Wall St., Natchez, MS 39121, 601-446-6635.
Carolene Britt is a counselor at Southwest Mississippi Mental Health Complex. She can be reached at 200 S. Wall St., Natchez, MS 39121, or 601-446-6634.
Comments
Posted by redusmfan (anonymous) on August 18, 2008 at 8:08 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Good article. Good viewpoints presented.
Posted by natchez500 (anonymous) on August 18, 2008 at 9:53 a.m. (Suggest removal)
yes this article is right on the money
Posted by Hardcorps (anonymous) on August 18, 2008 at 11:17 a.m. (Suggest removal)
It is a good article.
Mrs. Hardcorps knows jeet kune tae kwan fu kung pow moo goo gai pan or something. Shes good with a 12" cast iron skillet too.
Ms Britt thank you for the work you do. You are truly an asset to the community.
Posted by sayitloud (anonymous) on August 18, 2008 at 11:49 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Now that's funny Hardcorps!
Bet she can open up a can of whoop a@# pretty quick too huh!
Posted by Yeahuhuh (anonymous) on August 18, 2008 at 12:16 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Ms Britt writes a great editorial. Anyone who has been married for a lifetime knows that psychological abuse is a forum in which the sexes stand at least equal. After a long time of that things can get physical.
Men can walk away from an abusive spouse if it is worth the costs to children's psyches and wallet -- then too often they are looked on as a villian by those who never saw the abuse. It's almost like you are expected to put up with psychological abuse until it becomes physical unless you want the label.
Be sensitive and talkative to one another and hold no subjects out of bounds. Being too lazy in your thinking, and too set in your preferences often just represents an effort to avoid the respect your mate deserves.
Posted by kpage (anonymous) on August 18, 2008 at 4:16 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Carolene Britt is a strong lady who can read through people like sun through a window pane. Yes Hardcorps, she is an asset to this community. And she don't put up with no bull, either. Carolene is a personal friend of mine and when I grow up, I wanna be just like her!
Posted by andy (anonymous) on August 18, 2008 at 4:25 p.m. (Suggest removal)
nice article good job ND
Posted by sammohon (anonymous) on August 18, 2008 at 8:23 p.m. (Suggest removal)
I agree...very nice article...it's nice that someone recognizes that people can be abusive regardless of sex.
Yeahuhuh...why do you think men can walk away any easier than a woman, particularly when kids are involved? What if the man isn't the primary bread winner? What if he isn't physically capable of resistance to abuse? What of the fear of defending himself from physical abuse knowing that he will be the one charged, taken to trial and jail even if the woman started it and was the aggessor?...there are a lot of things that go on in private relationships that the system just doesn't address.
Posted by dahmworg (anonymous) on August 19, 2008 at 7:57 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Ms. Britt,
Thanks for writing about this timely and often ignored topic. Male victims of spousal and intimate partner violence are right where female victims were back in the 1970's in terms of support, public awareness and services. The movement that catapulted us to awareness of domestic violence as a social problem was a battered women's movement after all and not a battered person's movement.
After running a toll free 24/7 helpline that specializes in offering supportive services to men in relationships with abusive women for almost eight years now I can attest to the fact that it's just as difficult for abused men to leave as it is for women. Some of the reasons; male victims hand over their paycheck to their abusive wives much of the time so they are not financially able to leave or they may be the stay at home dads, disabled or feel that they are the buffer protecting the children from mom's wrath so they can't leave. They also love their spouses just like female victims do and don't want the marriage to end, just the abuse.
I could go on but suffice to say there is not a whole lot of difference between female and male victims in present day domestic violence IMHO other than the small percentage of patriarchal men who abuse women.
When it comes to physical abuse and the male victim we really can't talk about strength because male victims were usually taught to never hit a girl/women and that's ingrained in them. So whether or not they are stronger is a mute point if they don't use physical force on their partners in the first place.
There is a study being conducted on men's experiences with female partner aggression. Please go to our website to find out more information about the online survey and on how to participate anonymously and confidentially if you are or have been a man in a relationship with a sometimes physically but more often psychologically abusive woman. Please share the study with others who may want to participate also. Thanks!
Website: www.dahmw.org
Sincerely, Jan Brown, Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women
Posted by Yeahuhuh (anonymous) on August 19, 2008 at 11:02 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Sam -- Why did you assume I said men could walk away from anything easier than a woman? -- I just said men could walk away, then they would get the label for walking. The kids can be where they have to, and the money will come from somewhere, but what I said is literally true. Walking is the primary way folks tend to deal with abuse, which I think is tragic but sometimes necessary.
Too often, if men stay for the psychological to escalate into physical then they will get the label for being the abuser. I have seen quite a few women bruised from launching themselves at their mates with no regard to their own wellbeing.
But I would be the last person to be the walker or advise it. In fact, I think there is a bit of abuse in every productive relationship, and anyone who doesn't stay to work it out is the psychic loser. The development of character to see clearly what is going on in a relationship is dynamic, intellectual and spiritual evolution.
Posted by Peace007 (anonymous) on August 21, 2008 at 9:34 a.m. (Suggest removal)
A man or a woman being abused should call the police and report the crime of abuse...Then there will be a record of the abuse in case the abuse never ends...Also, after the public humiliation of an arrest and having to pay those fines, the abuser may stop to think about it the next time before becoming violent. If there are kids involved, those records could help during a divorce. Sometimes women don't live to walk away. When a relationship becomes violent, and bones get broken, it's time to get away--at least until the issues are resolved to the point that there is no more violence. Leave and refuse to go back until the other party gets treatment. You lived without that person before you met them, you can do it again. Be tough and if the other party loves you they will get help. If they refuse to get help, you are better off without them. Do not stay in an abusive relationship just for your children's sake, your children do not need to witness your abuse. Show your children how to be strong enough to leave. Teach them not to take abuse.
Posted by Peace007 (anonymous) on August 21, 2008 at 9:38 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Men often stay because of their own greed. They don't want to split up the finances.
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