Men who are abused often stay quiet

Carolene Britt

Published Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Many men are brutally victimized by violent women. They report, with no small degree of embarrassment, that they have been hit, kicked, slapped, punched, threatened with guns, or had their homes and property viciously destroyed by their wives or girlfriends.

Some of the men did not hesitate to characterize such behavior as domestic violence, others simply reported these incidents as factually as people who had been through a bad marriage or hostile divorce.

Male victims suffer fewer physical injuries from abuse, at least in heterosexual relationships, simply because most women can’t hit as hard as men.

Also, it appears that men are less likely to stay in abusive relationships for a long period.

However, male victims may react in a different manner than do many female victims of partner abuse. Abused men are ashamed and embarrassed to admit that they are victims and to seek help, especially from friends or family members to whom they do not wish to appear weak or incapable of handling their own problems.

Men feel that they should be problem-solvers.

They are frustrated by their inability to help themselves and afraid to do anything to stop their attackers for fear of reprisal. He may put up with it for awhile, then it often escalates into a mutually violent relationship, especially if they both have substance abuse problems.

Abusive women use the same type of mental games and control techniques as abusive men.

They may also tend to destroy a man’s property instead of attacking him directly. She may destroy all his clothing or severely damage homes she was leaving after a breakup or divorce.

It has been suggested that the dynamics are different in relationships where men are abused by women, because the fear of serious injury or death that helps the abusive man sustain his power over the victim is absent or present to a lesser degree. Yet, the shame and humiliation a battered man experiences may be even greater than that felt by most women due to social attitudes.

The topic of domestic violence against men remains both mysterious and controversial. As a purely biological fact, based on superior size and strength, male abusers do more immediate, life-threatening damage to their victims.

Women are more likely to be killed or severely injured by domestic violence because their attackers are usually bigger and stronger.

One study suggested that violent women differed from nonviolent women in more ways than just their presence in a violent relationship, and that some women, for whatever reasons of nature or circumstance, may simply be prone to violence — just as some men may be.

Carolene Britt is a counselor at Southwest Mississippi Mental Health Complex. She can be reached at 200 S. Wall St., or by calling 601-446-6635.