Looking ahead, sharing a laugh or two

With temperatures soaring into the upper 90s and humidity pushing the heat index above 100 degrees, it’s hard to imagine that school has started and high school football is already under way.

But just a sure as the seasons change, most area children started school last week and a few area teams kicked off gridiron action Friday night.

The first high school football game of the season is sort of a benchmark in the year for me. It’s a signal that my favorite season, fall, is right around the corner.

Hot temperatures or not, there will be football games, from high school to pro, Friday through Monday each week.

The doves and the ducks will soon be flying. And my dog (provided my shooting and his training hold up) will be picking up a few of those birds – which, by the way, is the best part.

In October, we’ll kick off a new fiscal year here at The Democrat. And, as part of that process, we’ll take time to assess what we’ve accomplished in the past year and set the direction of your newspaper for the coming year. I’m excited about what our newspaper can accomplish for our community and its readers. And I look forward to charting our course for the next year and putting those plans in practice.

So, with the change of season, the anticipation of fall and back-to-school in mind, the rest of this column is good for a chuckle, or may be even a laugh or two.

A friend passed the following list along to me this week. It’s an actual compilation of student bloopers collected from teachers from eighth through the 12th grades:

n Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate in the dessert is such that inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

n Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses died before ever reaching the Promised Land of Canada.

n Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

n Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

n Socrates was a Greek teacher who was killed. He died over an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

n Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. He was later killed. His dying words were &uot;Tee, hee, Brutus.&uot;

n Nero was a cruel tyrant who would torture subjects by playing his fiddle for them.

n Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

n The Magna Carta provided that no man would be hanged twice for the same offense.

n Another story was about William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

n Queen Elizabeth was the &uot;virgin&uot; queen. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted &uot;hurrah.&uot;

n Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.

n Sir Walter Raleigh is an historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with his 100-foot clipper ship.

n William Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies.

Todd Carpenter is publisher of The Democrat. You can reach him by calling 446-5172, ext. 218 or by email at todd.carpenter@natchezdemocrat.com.